After 13 weeks, an endless queue of stupid housemates saying, "they're an a**e-licker" and an unsightly number of twists and turns, Big Brother VII has finally, FINALLY come to a close. The series that began with Pete falling down the stairs ended with Pete falling down the stairs. Kind of ironic given the faltering, clumsy steps the series took over those 93 (count them) days. For me, the first four weeks were the only four worth watching, but for the brilliant Prison Task and a few inspired promos from Pete, Glyn, Nikki and Spiral. The depressing thing is, this series probably peaked with Shabaz's food theft in Day 4, and it was painfully obvious to see that Imogen, Mikey, Lisa and co. could never match the entertainment value of the Kelvingrove mentallist. But Big Brother asked for it - by allowing unstable housemates like Shabaz and Nikki in, they set themselves up for a fall, and after their inevitable demises, could only replace them with duller personalities like Jennie, Jayne and Michael. Much nicer people (Jayne aside), but not capable of carrying a show for 3 and 1/4 months. The tasks were feeble compared to previous years, and at 13 (THIRTEEN) weeks, I think everyone is agreed it went far too long. Try cutting 2-3 weeks off it, and you'd have something closely resembling a strong BB. But whenever something entertaining happened (Shabaz's insanity, Get Grace Out, Glyn's push), you were reminded of the sobering thought that the show still had months left to run. Things could only get worse. And they did.

In order of eviction/resignation/ejection - or as Glyn would say, ejaculation:

Shabaz: One of the great BB characters of all time. Magnificent promos, superb charisma, a unique personality. Unfortunately, he was a moron. And the housmates saw it quickly, which meant he was phased out of the group before you could say, "I just want to go home. Watch some DVD's. Maybe be ill". His gimmick was not sustainable, but his contribution won't soon be forgotten.

Dawn: Could have been a good housemate due to her strong views, but she was ejected in controversial fashion. I don't know whether she cheated, or she quit, or she was fired - the shole thing confused me. Bottom line, she was bundled out of the show and not invited back. A waste of a housemate, in the end.

Bono: An even bigger waste. How did she make it through the audition process? Like Dawn, her original entrace vignette was a lie, and she moped around complaining about her suitcase all week. One funny moment was when Pete called her "Bonner", but that was about it.

George: Yet another example of good potential squandered. It took him a whole spring of auditions, 2 weeks of incarseration and 10 days of being in the house to work out that he might become famous. I'll never know how.

Sezer: I'm not sure he can be legally discussed here. Another strong character gone before the fortnight was out. But it was worth it for the look on his face.

Sam: Not so good. His/her selection was a feeble attempt by Endemol to create Nadia II, and it fell flat on its face. He/she didn't have the disgusting character of Nadia (which the voters deemed "charm"), and was effectively evicted for being too nice.

Grace: Scheming, manipulative, cowardly, insecure, arrogant, self-obsessed, moralless bitch. There wasn't one hateful quality this "woman" didn't have. From her inexplicable reaction to being nominated, to her outrageous water-throwing attack on Suzie, she displayed every detestable human attribute in the book. Chucking the water on her eviction night meant she didn't have to face the music, but when Aisleyne confronted her she displayed all the bravery of a molar tooth in her patheic non-explanation. Her inane, fake attempt at a relationship with Mikey was another black mark against her name. And in the coup de gras, she posed topless for the magazine she said she'd never pose topless for. Four weeks was too much airtime for this feeble, weak, spineless, evil excuse for a lady.

Lisa: Looked positively saintly next to Grace. But still foul-mouthed and too fiery for her own good. Got royally owned by Richard on the water-throwing night, but at least showed integrity on her own eviction.

Jonathan: In perhaps the biggest disgrace of the entire series, poor old Jonathan was never allowed in the main house. Evicted in a front of a crowd of 0, the nicest guy in the 'House Next Door' never got the chance to challenge Pete and Glyn for the crown. The enduring symbol of the botchjob that was the Secret House.

Lea: Amazingly popular, and despite being 1/25 with the bookies to be lose to Richard, only obtained 53% of the vote. I still don't understand why. To me, she came across as moody and judgmental, and how her son must have felt as she went to town on that carrot, I'll never know. But at least her eviction reception was better than the unfair heat she received on the way in.

Nikki: A tough one to call. On one hand, she was another of the great BB characters of all time. But conversely, she was a squealing, squacking, tamtrum-throwing baby, and must have been unbearable to live with. Evicted to unanamous cheers the first time must have falsely inflated her ego, as when she (unfairly) got back in, she went more OTT than ever before. It backfired, and she finished fifth to a chorus of boos and cheers. In my opinion, she should never have been evicted in week Eight, but should never have been allowed back in to challenge for the grand prize. People seemed to get fed up of her second time round, even though she was just as detestable beforehand. One wonders if her E4 show will ever have the spontanaeity or brilliance of her "Who IS she?" promo. Like RAW's Eugene, her act can only work if it's booked carefully and not overdone. The final week's love-in with Pete undid a lot of that.

Jayne: Utterly hideous. It struck me when Davina asked her to burp on the final night that Big Brother has gone downhill as a social experment. She also asked Bono to say, "Bonnie", as if that was her only real gimmick (it probably was, in retrospect). I have never known BB to sink as low as the Burping task, and Jayne had nothing else in the way of entertainment. When belching is what brings you to the dance, the dance isn't much of a social gathering.

Michael: Started out boring, but was just getting going as he was evicted, screwing me out of £8. Cheers, to whichever individual block-voted for Imogen and Suzie. His "I am God" promo was misunderstood, as Channel 4 always edited out his explanation at the end. He was also too tetchy in his angle with Richard, and should have given the guy a break. Did I say break - see you in three!

Spiral: He'd. Do. Everything to you. Lost it with his insane rants against Jennie and stalking of Aisleyne, but other than that, a thoroughly entertaining housemate. Evicted FAR too early when you consider who stayed in there. And was he a catchphrase machine? Eh - yeah.

Mikey: Saved by the early eviction of Grace, Mikey eventually evolved into a good housemate and nice lad. Until, of course, he lost it on his final week then jumped back into bed with Grace in the House Next Door. Mate, what were/are you thinking?

Suzie: Unfairly booed, but was a pretty dull housemate. I actually thought her boring gimmick and upper class character ended up being mildy entertaining, particularly when she refused to lose her cool during Automated Nominations. But to think she outlasted Shabaz, Nikki and Spiral is riduculous. And to anyone who though the Golden Ticket was a fix - do you think they'd have fixed Suzie?

Imogen: A pretty version of Suzie, but even less entertaining. Very little to say here, expect that she was also saved by the destruction of the Plastics (can you remember anything about her relationship with Sezer? Nope, neither can I), and recorded a fairly amusing 'Hot Topic' jingle. After twelve weeks, that was about it.

Jennie: A perfect example of why late entrants never win. She couldn't establish herself in the house or on the nightly shows, and her personality wasn't good enogh for her to be a serious contender. Her heel promos weren't annoying enough to make her hated, either. A nice girl, but outshone by other contenders.

Richard: The conscience of the house. It's almost impossible to imagine BB7 without Richard's counselling after each big segment. Or his humorous cutting edge remarks to the likes of Grace, Lisa, Michael and Nikki. His imitation of Lisa was a classic moment, and the show would have a significant dynamic had he been evicted early. Probably the most under-rated housemate.

Aisleyne: An even tougher one to call than Nikki She was an out-and-out babyface for forcing Grace out the house, and for standing up to her in the penultimate week. But in between, I didn't find her likeable in the slightest. She seemed to worm her way into everyone's bad books, then pull out and say, "I don't have a problem with you, it's you that's got the problem." She also seemed to impersonate Nikki towards the end with horrible attempts at fake tears. Hardly a despicable person, but I thought she was one of the less interesting housemates. The fact that all the major angles ended up revolving around her was a big negative, as she didn't have the kind of charisma to make you love her or hate her. Most people just drifted between both.

Glyn: Another great BB housemate. The fully deserving runner-up as well. The egg-cooking song, the jumping over the roof, the Myra Hindley/Anne Robinson promo, the almost perverted promos on Lea and Aisleyne, the constant Welsh-ness. And the hilarious musical renditions, ranging from Arctic Monkeys to Spandau Ballet. Everything he did was gold. Although I'm not sure he planned it all the time, so for that reason he probably deserved to get edged out. Oh, and also for his unbelievably blind pro-Grace promo towards the end. Big mistake. But although Davina says every housemate's been on a journey, Glyn really has, and the evolution of a human took place in the Big Brother house before the country's eyes. A revolution took place. And as Glyn himself hilariously sang, "You won't fool the children of the revolution".

Pete: The only potential winner, and no matter what anyone said, the deserving champion. Yes, he had a head-start like Nadia, but once in there he displayed everything the manic transsexual lacked - personality, diplomacy, charisma, humour and likeability. And exceptional promo ability. Heck, he deserved to win it for the Nightclub segment alone, where he proved his worth as an entertainer. Can you imagine how that would have played out if Aisleyne had won that task? Pete was, from start to finish, the only one befitting of the pyros, £100,000 cheque and the crowd's adulation. He overcame his disability to win the audience's respect and, despite the hideous length of the show, was still entertaining in Week 13. Nadia won because she used to be a man - Pete won in spite of his Tourettes.

And there you have it. The BB format was alost killed by the dreadful tasks, some even worse housmates and a terribly long series. But it survives for another year. Just a few suggestions to next year's housemates.(1) Don't say "babes" once. It became this year's "End of", and was painful to listen to.(2) Don't imitate Nikki by crying like a baby every six hours. It worked for eight weeks, and will never work again.(3) Once you get to ten weeks, if the show is still going, walk out with all the other housemates. Then they'll get the message and finally cut the show.
And a note to Endemol. Whatever you do, PLEASE don't forget to air your final vignette with all the echoed voices at the end of the last show. It makes the whole summer worth it, and this year was no exeption. So in closing, BB7 got the finale it should have had - Nikki and Aisleyne out early, with Pete and Glyn the last two in, battling it out one more time. But the real winner of the series? Probably a tie between Pete, Dermot O'Leary and Russel Brand. The swine. Eezzamanna.