Five days to go and a feeling of relief sweeps the nation, as Big "Babes" Brother VII finally draws to a close. The show, almost unrecognisable from the classic first week, has degenerated into farcical scenes, with Channel 4 so desparate to keep Nikki in the public eye that they've conned the public in a frankly illegal twist. It's one thing to change the rules for the housemates - they signed a contract agreeing to be screwed about with. But for the public to effectively have their money stolen from them on a falsity is shameful. There are a dozen other reasons why this year's show has faltered, but this scandal alone should be enough.

And the most annoying bit of all is that Nikki - yes Nikki, the whinging, whining, crying, self-centred actress - could now win the £100,000. £100,000 that should surely be getting split between Pete and Glyn in a similar style to Anthony and Eugene. Once again, the only two nice people in a house of scumbags have made it to the final (other than Jonathan, no-one else this year has a prayer of being called likeable). But unlike last year, Glyn is likely to be pipped to the 10pm showdown by a detestable screeching cross between Nadia and Jade. Throughout the show she has proven herself to be nothing more than an actress - pretending to be upset, pretending to be angry, pretending to be happy, pretending to be ill, pretending to be stupid. Take last week's glaring error in the secret house:-

"Where are we?"

10 minutes later...

"Of course Aisleyne struggled when she came in here."

So not only did she know where she is, she associated it with a scene six weeks earlier with completely different decor, that she must have viewed after leaving the house. The entire thing is a fraud, and poor Glyn - now so deranged he thinks Grace is nice - will get screwed out of his rightful adulation by someone who has no right being in there. On moral, logistical and mental grounds, the situation stinks.

But then, Endemol have been messing with the formula for years now. Eugene's £50,000 decision was a total departure from the rule book. The infamous bedsit conned the Jungle Cats into thinking they'd rid the house of the abominable Emma. And the legend that is Jon Tickle returned in Series 4, only without the chance to win (and how unfair is that - he would have walked it). I think they've got bored of the simple 8-week contest where the best man wins, and they feel they need to drag the show out 5 weeks past its optimum enjoyment. And because Endemol want 5 weeks of extra phone votes to line their filthy pockets, putting the housemates through ridiculous mental trauma before immediately dropping them on the outside. But hey, that's showbusiness. Isn't it?

Since about week five, the show has lapsed from one botched angle to another. The secret house bombed, Michael and Spiral were astonishably voted out just as they were getting going, Suzie, Imgoen and Aisleyne lasted FAR too long given their entertainment value, and every task except the prison week has been an unmitigating disaster. The phone vote scandal drags the BB franchise back down to the tarnished level of Fight Night (ironically, also its most entertaining episode). And there was Jayne. Say no more.

If the show had been booked with a modicum of sense, this is how it would have worked: 9 weeks long, so Endemol get their extra money. Nikki is evicted in week eight (just like the real outcome), and pretends to be happy for everyone. In an inspired move, Shabaz is brought back for the final week, free of the emotional stress of the first time round. Unlike the Nikki fiasco, he is obviously ineligible to win. Glyn is runner up and emerges to the biggest pop since Eugene last year. Pete wins, and leaves the house surrounded by pyros and noise to be reunited with Nikki as the credits roll. I can only dream. We'll probably have Nikki on the podium, screaming in a cringeworthy way at the top of her voice as Pete and Glyn try not to look cheated. And Shabaz will be back in his flat, still unemployed, questioning what Big Brother ever did for him.

I tell you, George was lucky to get out when he did. And Sezer's wishing he'd never gone in.