Big Brother's Little Blog

2006-08-28T05:12:00.000-07:00

After 13 weeks, an endless queue of stupid housemates saying, "they're an a**e-licker" and an unsightly number of twists and turns, Big Brother VII has finally, FINALLY come to a close. The series that began with Pete falling down the stairs ended with Pete falling down the stairs. Kind of ironic given the faltering, clumsy steps the series took over those 93 (count them) days. For me, the first four weeks were the only four worth watching, but for the brilliant Prison Task and a few inspired promos from Pete, Glyn, Nikki and Spiral. The depressing thing is, this series probably peaked with Shabaz's food theft in Day 4, and it was painfully obvious to see that Imogen, Mikey, Lisa and co. could never match the entertainment value of the Kelvingrove mentallist. But Big Brother asked for it - by allowing unstable housemates like Shabaz and Nikki in, they set themselves up for a fall, and after their inevitable demises, could only replace them with duller personalities like Jennie, Jayne and Michael. Much nicer people (Jayne aside), but not capable of carrying a show for 3 and 1/4 months. The tasks were feeble compared to previous years, and at 13 (THIRTEEN) weeks, I think everyone is agreed it went far too long. Try cutting 2-3 weeks off it, and you'd have something closely resembling a strong BB. But whenever something entertaining happened (Shabaz's insanity, Get Grace Out, Glyn's push), you were reminded of the sobering thought that the show still had months left to run. Things could only get worse. And they did.

In order of eviction/resignation/ejection - or as Glyn would say, ejaculation:

Shabaz: One of the great BB characters of all time. Magnificent promos, superb charisma, a unique personality. Unfortunately, he was a moron. And the housmates saw it quickly, which meant he was phased out of the group before you could say, "I just want to go home. Watch some DVD's. Maybe be ill". His gimmick was not sustainable, but his contribution won't soon be forgotten.

Dawn: Could have been a good housemate due to her strong views, but she was ejected in controversial fashion. I don't know whether she cheated, or she quit, or she was fired - the shole thing confused me. Bottom line, she was bundled out of the show and not invited back. A waste of a housemate, in the end.

Bono: An even bigger waste. How did she make it through the audition process? Like Dawn, her original entrace vignette was a lie, and she moped around complaining about her suitcase all week. One funny moment was when Pete called her "Bonner", but that was about it.

George: Yet another example of good potential squandered. It took him a whole spring of auditions, 2 weeks of incarseration and 10 days of being in the house to work out that he might become famous. I'll never know how.

Sezer: I'm not sure he can be legally discussed here. Another strong character gone before the fortnight was out. But it was worth it for the look on his face.

Sam: Not so good. His/her selection was a feeble attempt by Endemol to create Nadia II, and it fell flat on its face. He/she didn't have the disgusting character of Nadia (which the voters deemed "charm"), and was effectively evicted for being too nice.

Grace: Scheming, manipulative, cowardly, insecure, arrogant, self-obsessed, moralless bitch. There wasn't one hateful quality this "woman" didn't have. From her inexplicable reaction to being nominated, to her outrageous water-throwing attack on Suzie, she displayed every detestable human attribute in the book. Chucking the water on her eviction night meant she didn't have to face the music, but when Aisleyne confronted her she displayed all the bravery of a molar tooth in her patheic non-explanation. Her inane, fake attempt at a relationship with Mikey was another black mark against her name. And in the coup de gras, she posed topless for the magazine she said she'd never pose topless for. Four weeks was too much airtime for this feeble, weak, spineless, evil excuse for a lady.

Lisa: Looked positively saintly next to Grace. But still foul-mouthed and too fiery for her own good. Got royally owned by Richard on the water-throwing night, but at least showed integrity on her own eviction.

Jonathan: In perhaps the biggest disgrace of the entire series, poor old Jonathan was never allowed in the main house. Evicted in a front of a crowd of 0, the nicest guy in the 'House Next Door' never got the chance to challenge Pete and Glyn for the crown. The enduring symbol of the botchjob that was the Secret House.

Lea: Amazingly popular, and despite being 1/25 with the bookies to be lose to Richard, only obtained 53% of the vote. I still don't understand why. To me, she came across as moody and judgmental, and how her son must have felt as she went to town on that carrot, I'll never know. But at least her eviction reception was better than the unfair heat she received on the way in.

Nikki: A tough one to call. On one hand, she was another of the great BB characters of all time. But conversely, she was a squealing, squacking, tamtrum-throwing baby, and must have been unbearable to live with. Evicted to unanamous cheers the first time must have falsely inflated her ego, as when she (unfairly) got back in, she went more OTT than ever before. It backfired, and she finished fifth to a chorus of boos and cheers. In my opinion, she should never have been evicted in week Eight, but should never have been allowed back in to challenge for the grand prize. People seemed to get fed up of her second time round, even though she was just as detestable beforehand. One wonders if her E4 show will ever have the spontanaeity or brilliance of her "Who IS she?" promo. Like RAW's Eugene, her act can only work if it's booked carefully and not overdone. The final week's love-in with Pete undid a lot of that.

Jayne: Utterly hideous. It struck me when Davina asked her to burp on the final night that Big Brother has gone downhill as a social experment. She also asked Bono to say, "Bonnie", as if that was her only real gimmick (it probably was, in retrospect). I have never known BB to sink as low as the Burping task, and Jayne had nothing else in the way of entertainment. When belching is what brings you to the dance, the dance isn't much of a social gathering.

Michael: Started out boring, but was just getting going as he was evicted, screwing me out of £8. Cheers, to whichever individual block-voted for Imogen and Suzie. His "I am God" promo was misunderstood, as Channel 4 always edited out his explanation at the end. He was also too tetchy in his angle with Richard, and should have given the guy a break. Did I say break - see you in three!

Spiral: He'd. Do. Everything to you. Lost it with his insane rants against Jennie and stalking of Aisleyne, but other than that, a thoroughly entertaining housemate. Evicted FAR too early when you consider who stayed in there. And was he a catchphrase machine? Eh - yeah.

Mikey: Saved by the early eviction of Grace, Mikey eventually evolved into a good housemate and nice lad. Until, of course, he lost it on his final week then jumped back into bed with Grace in the House Next Door. Mate, what were/are you thinking?

Suzie: Unfairly booed, but was a pretty dull housemate. I actually thought her boring gimmick and upper class character ended up being mildy entertaining, particularly when she refused to lose her cool during Automated Nominations. But to think she outlasted Shabaz, Nikki and Spiral is riduculous. And to anyone who though the Golden Ticket was a fix - do you think they'd have fixed Suzie?

Imogen: A pretty version of Suzie, but even less entertaining. Very little to say here, expect that she was also saved by the destruction of the Plastics (can you remember anything about her relationship with Sezer? Nope, neither can I), and recorded a fairly amusing 'Hot Topic' jingle. After twelve weeks, that was about it.

Jennie: A perfect example of why late entrants never win. She couldn't establish herself in the house or on the nightly shows, and her personality wasn't good enogh for her to be a serious contender. Her heel promos weren't annoying enough to make her hated, either. A nice girl, but outshone by other contenders.

Richard: The conscience of the house. It's almost impossible to imagine BB7 without Richard's counselling after each big segment. Or his humorous cutting edge remarks to the likes of Grace, Lisa, Michael and Nikki. His imitation of Lisa was a classic moment, and the show would have a significant dynamic had he been evicted early. Probably the most under-rated housemate.

Aisleyne: An even tougher one to call than Nikki She was an out-and-out babyface for forcing Grace out the house, and for standing up to her in the penultimate week. But in between, I didn't find her likeable in the slightest. She seemed to worm her way into everyone's bad books, then pull out and say, "I don't have a problem with you, it's you that's got the problem." She also seemed to impersonate Nikki towards the end with horrible attempts at fake tears. Hardly a despicable person, but I thought she was one of the less interesting housemates. The fact that all the major angles ended up revolving around her was a big negative, as she didn't have the kind of charisma to make you love her or hate her. Most people just drifted between both.

Glyn: Another great BB housemate. The fully deserving runner-up as well. The egg-cooking song, the jumping over the roof, the Myra Hindley/Anne Robinson promo, the almost perverted promos on Lea and Aisleyne, the constant Welsh-ness. And the hilarious musical renditions, ranging from Arctic Monkeys to Spandau Ballet. Everything he did was gold. Although I'm not sure he planned it all the time, so for that reason he probably deserved to get edged out. Oh, and also for his unbelievably blind pro-Grace promo towards the end. Big mistake. But although Davina says every housemate's been on a journey, Glyn really has, and the evolution of a human took place in the Big Brother house before the country's eyes. A revolution took place. And as Glyn himself hilariously sang, "You won't fool the children of the revolution".

Pete: The only potential winner, and no matter what anyone said, the deserving champion. Yes, he had a head-start like Nadia, but once in there he displayed everything the manic transsexual lacked - personality, diplomacy, charisma, humour and likeability. And exceptional promo ability. Heck, he deserved to win it for the Nightclub segment alone, where he proved his worth as an entertainer. Can you imagine how that would have played out if Aisleyne had won that task? Pete was, from start to finish, the only one befitting of the pyros, £100,000 cheque and the crowd's adulation. He overcame his disability to win the audience's respect and, despite the hideous length of the show, was still entertaining in Week 13. Nadia won because she used to be a man - Pete won in spite of his Tourettes.

And there you have it. The BB format was alost killed by the dreadful tasks, some even worse housmates and a terribly long series. But it survives for another year. Just a few suggestions to next year's housemates.(1) Don't say "babes" once. It became this year's "End of", and was painful to listen to.(2) Don't imitate Nikki by crying like a baby every six hours. It worked for eight weeks, and will never work again.(3) Once you get to ten weeks, if the show is still going, walk out with all the other housemates. Then they'll get the message and finally cut the show.
And a note to Endemol. Whatever you do, PLEASE don't forget to air your final vignette with all the echoed voices at the end of the last show. It makes the whole summer worth it, and this year was no exeption. So in closing, BB7 got the finale it should have had - Nikki and Aisleyne out early, with Pete and Glyn the last two in, battling it out one more time. But the real winner of the series? Probably a tie between Pete, Dermot O'Leary and Russel Brand. The swine. Eezzamanna.

2006-08-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

Five days to go and a feeling of relief sweeps the nation, as Big "Babes" Brother VII finally draws to a close. The show, almost unrecognisable from the classic first week, has degenerated into farcical scenes, with Channel 4 so desparate to keep Nikki in the public eye that they've conned the public in a frankly illegal twist. It's one thing to change the rules for the housemates - they signed a contract agreeing to be screwed about with. But for the public to effectively have their money stolen from them on a falsity is shameful. There are a dozen other reasons why this year's show has faltered, but this scandal alone should be enough.

And the most annoying bit of all is that Nikki - yes Nikki, the whinging, whining, crying, self-centred actress - could now win the £100,000. £100,000 that should surely be getting split between Pete and Glyn in a similar style to Anthony and Eugene. Once again, the only two nice people in a house of scumbags have made it to the final (other than Jonathan, no-one else this year has a prayer of being called likeable). But unlike last year, Glyn is likely to be pipped to the 10pm showdown by a detestable screeching cross between Nadia and Jade. Throughout the show she has proven herself to be nothing more than an actress - pretending to be upset, pretending to be angry, pretending to be happy, pretending to be ill, pretending to be stupid. Take last week's glaring error in the secret house:-

"Where are we?"

10 minutes later...

"Of course Aisleyne struggled when she came in here."

So not only did she know where she is, she associated it with a scene six weeks earlier with completely different decor, that she must have viewed after leaving the house. The entire thing is a fraud, and poor Glyn - now so deranged he thinks Grace is nice - will get screwed out of his rightful adulation by someone who has no right being in there. On moral, logistical and mental grounds, the situation stinks.

But then, Endemol have been messing with the formula for years now. Eugene's £50,000 decision was a total departure from the rule book. The infamous bedsit conned the Jungle Cats into thinking they'd rid the house of the abominable Emma. And the legend that is Jon Tickle returned in Series 4, only without the chance to win (and how unfair is that - he would have walked it). I think they've got bored of the simple 8-week contest where the best man wins, and they feel they need to drag the show out 5 weeks past its optimum enjoyment. And because Endemol want 5 weeks of extra phone votes to line their filthy pockets, putting the housemates through ridiculous mental trauma before immediately dropping them on the outside. But hey, that's showbusiness. Isn't it?

Since about week five, the show has lapsed from one botched angle to another. The secret house bombed, Michael and Spiral were astonishably voted out just as they were getting going, Suzie, Imgoen and Aisleyne lasted FAR too long given their entertainment value, and every task except the prison week has been an unmitigating disaster. The phone vote scandal drags the BB franchise back down to the tarnished level of Fight Night (ironically, also its most entertaining episode). And there was Jayne. Say no more.

If the show had been booked with a modicum of sense, this is how it would have worked: 9 weeks long, so Endemol get their extra money. Nikki is evicted in week eight (just like the real outcome), and pretends to be happy for everyone. In an inspired move, Shabaz is brought back for the final week, free of the emotional stress of the first time round. Unlike the Nikki fiasco, he is obviously ineligible to win. Glyn is runner up and emerges to the biggest pop since Eugene last year. Pete wins, and leaves the house surrounded by pyros and noise to be reunited with Nikki as the credits roll. I can only dream. We'll probably have Nikki on the podium, screaming in a cringeworthy way at the top of her voice as Pete and Glyn try not to look cheated. And Shabaz will be back in his flat, still unemployed, questioning what Big Brother ever did for him.

I tell you, George was lucky to get out when he did. And Sezer's wishing he'd never gone in.

2006-07-29T05:16:00.000-07:00

Channel 4 are a joke. Endemol are a joke. Coral Bookmakers are a joke. Imogen and Suzie are a joke. The British public are a joke. That is all.

2006-07-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

From out of nowhere, the show has seemingly been saved. Firstly, the heinous Jayne was evicted (and about time) last Friday. Quite how she was let in there is a mystery, but how the housemates didn't brutally turn on her is beyond me. I found her utterly repulsive on all levels - between screwing up every task, ensuring EVERY other housemate was nominated (and Nikki was evicted five weeks early), trying to create her own angle with Aisleyne for no reason and burping like there's no tomorrow. Literally, now she's gone. I can't say I'll miss her, and I can't say the house has been lacking in entertainment now she's gone.

Step forward Pete, Glyn and Spiral. The only three remotely entertaining housemates left, after the premature downfalls of Shabaz (yes, that was really THIS series) and Nikki. I can honestly say that no-one else has delivered this year, except Sezer and Grace, who did so in accidental and detestable ways. For weeks now, Pete and Glyn have been the only two potential winners, and luckily the voting public (as well as the bookies) have seen sense. It now seems destined that the final night will come down to a battle between those two. Similar to Anthony vs. Eugene last year, they're the only two nice people left, but both provide the entertainment that Anthony severely lacked. Spiral is also humorous to watch, due to his unreciprocated lust for Aisleyne, cringeworthy comedy raps and general promo ability.

The big change, however, has been the booking. For nine weeks the housemates wandered around the same old house, and were fed the same old mediocre tasks (let's be honest, this year's were perhaps the worst ever). In one single episode, the show has been turned on its head by the prison task. The secret house has been transformed into a jail, the inmates have a special luxury room unbeknownst to the others, and at the end of it all is a clever double eviction. The double act of Pete and Glyn were hilarious throughout the episode, whether it was peeling onions, dancing in front of the mirrors or serving each other drinks in the garden. Spiral's facial expressions are comedy gold as well. The whole week has been a success already - the 'best friends' task provided fresh and interesting new episodes, Michael and Spiral were uncovered as Deal Or No Deal fans (rightly so) and Glyn gets to cut Diary Room promos about the whole thing. Now all we need is Imogen and Suzie to go on Friday, and the boredom will have eroded away. We can look forward to a final three weeks that might, just might, drag BB7 into the territory occupied by classics like Series' 5, 1 and possibly 3. On the other hand, if Pete or Spiral goes, consider yourself screwed.

Raps: Spiral

Tip for eviction this week - Imogen and Suzie. The voting is to save housemates this time, possibly a ploy to save Pete from anti-Richard fans. I don't really care, as long as Imogen goes. After confessing, "I'm not really an entertainer", it should have been curtains for her. Heck, Suzie does more of interest i.e. her angle with Spiral the other night. Just don't vote to save them, and everything will be alright.

2006-07-18T07:49:00.000-07:00

Show's over.

Nikki's departure leaves the house castrated of entertainment, it's as simple as that. The producers have dug their own grave, YET AGAIN, by messing with the formula to a ludicrous degree. Was the 11-person nomination fair punishment for Jayne's inability to shut her gob? No. So why do it? The end result is that the No.1 entertainer in the house, the centre of the main angles and one of only three genuine characters (her, Pete and Glyn) left, has been bundled out the front door five weeks early. Not that she didn't milk the occasion, of course - one paper wittily wrote that she looked ready to burst into a rendition of, "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" as she stood there. The rapturous reception made it feel like the final night, and her exit leaves the house devoid of any real showmanship. Pete is always getting stalked by someone - at the moment, Aisleyne seems to fit the bill - and Glyn only comes to life on certain days. His porridge-induced frustration was comedy gold last night, and if the fickle voting public get fed up of Pete 'because his Tourettes is annoying', then Glyn will be the only remaining candidate for victory.

But Jayne is simply revolting. A walking, burping tutorial on how to repulse your fellow housemates and four million viewers. Seriously, why is she in there? Do you think people sit at home at 8:55 every night saying, "Oh! Change the channel! Jayne's coming on!"? The woman is rude, vile, arrogant and malicious. There is the small possibility of a Jayne vs. Aisleyne feud based on Nikki's departure, but I'm not sure I'd even want to see that. The wannabe ghetto girl has managed to fall with just about every housemate, then claim, "I don't know why you're intimidated by me, I've got nothing against you." She has been the common denominator in most of the arguments recently, and although Jayne, Lea and Nikki are spiteful and self-obsessed, Aisleyne does herself no favours by seeking trouble with them. She also does herself no favours by hanging on to Pete - don't you realise that gimmick has been done to death? Know yourself, as you would say.

Spiral, meanwhile, has completely lost the plot. Reacting the way he did to the walking task was heinous, and showed a complete lack of respect for the other housemates. Jennie and co were simply trying to comfort Glyn after his disgusting "prize" of liquified chips and peas, and "Spoiral" suddenly laid into them like they were the Devil's sidekicks. Or Marco Materazzi. A word in your shell-like, mate - you'll be out of that house quicker than Shabaz's integrity if you get nominated this week. So think on.

And after all of that, there are still people who have a problem with Pete winning. Why? Almost everyone else, as listed above, is a repugnant human being, and the show is beginning to plumb BB6-type depths with its concoction of depraved, mentally insecure freaks. At least in Series 5 they were entertaining. I know there's an argument for Glyn winning, but he wouldn't stand much chance of securing fame and fortune outside the house, even as winner. The guy has made it patently obvious he just wants to go back to his village in North Wales and "marry a nice Welsh girl". So give the title to Pete, the ONLY other housemate this year who deserves it. And watch the joyous scenes as he leaves the house, surrounded by fireworks, as just about the only one with any self-respect left. Just don't let him on Saturday morning TV without a bleep machine. Although I must admit, his swearing during the class exam this week was quite funny. Unlike Jayne's burping. if anyone finds that humorous they should be sanctioned in the same institute as Nikki inevitably will be.

Tip for Eviction this week: Spoiral. Can you believe there are still FIVE weeks left of this?

2006-06-29T11:26:00.000-07:00

'Get Grace Out' was an entertaining angle, culminating with the shocking water-throwing incident at her eviction. For anyone doubting whether Grace was truly an arrogant, deluded, false, hypocritical, two-faced, spineless coward, I think your questions were answered. Pulling that stunt ten seconds before her eviction was the only way she could escape the backlash, while dropping her friends in it. Way to go, Grace - you've now proved you have no loyalty either. Is there one detestable human trait this woman doesn't have?

The reaction of the housemates was interesting on several counts: Lisa acted like an utter fool, saying no-one was even allowed to call Grace a bitch and jumping around like a maniac; Pete summed up how toally likeable he is, by refusing to hug Grace and standing back instead; Richard and Aisleyne again took the right side in the argument and outfought the Plastics in the ensuing debate (Richard's imitation of Lisa was easily his best moment so far). Mikey, though is the real interesting one. He showed how blindly pro-Grace he was by attempting to defend Grace's actions: however, he moved on the next day, acting normally with all of Grace's previous enemies, holding no grudges and even canoodling with Imogen by the end of the week. His teary-eyed stare at Grace's photo is now a distant memory, and the ghastly woman's presence no longer lives on in any prominent angle. That dubious honour now goes to Pete.

Poor Pete. Poor, poor Pete. First Lisa, the living, breathing, chain-smoking, chain-swearing epitome of repulsion, practically stalked him for two weeks, before literally dragging him out of someone else's bed. Then Nikki worked out that a relationship with the winner-in-waiting would help her popularity rise and, as shamelessly as ever, moved in. Now Aisleyne seems to have similar ideas. Lord knows where that came from, as she's had no memorable dialogue with him since her arrival. But Lea? After moaning, whinging and throwing around her 78VV breasts (or whatever size they are) for 5 weeks, she's now decided she has a thing for Pete as well. What a shock. Pete was naturally repulsed by this, but managed to politely reject her advances with some line about 'maternal feelings'. Lea's reaction? To turn on him, level a bunch of playground insults his way and say repeatedly, "It's over." What's over? Your freakish obsession to gain popularity that you can't sustain by false means? Or your pack of lies about your age, which has ranged from 35 to 38 to (my guess) your mid fifties. Please vote her out before I throw up Glyn-style.

Speaking of Glyn, was his rendition of the Arctic Monkeys the greatest Big Brother moment since George Galloway sauntered out the front door? And is it enough to overcome his ludicrous alliance with Team Plastic?

There's also a new house on the way, apparently. It never ceases to amaze me how these annexed houses are always revealed without anyone finding out. This one has a garden, for pity's sake. And the house is on a flightpath. How did no-one rumble them? Anyway, this is a good move for the show, as 5 new housemates will soon enter, and if just one has the impact of Eugene from last year (ie. to save the show from an entertainment implosion) then it's a good idea. A housemate of the Tickle/Ebuwa mould is required: someone to consistently entertain yet remain likeable. Nikki is the only one not to have cut a dull promo, and she's utterly contemptable once you examine her personality. Pete and Glyn are entertaining much of the time, but are always in danger of getting dragged into the mind-numbing Lea/Aisleyne/Imogen-centred bitching. We need a Jon, Victor or Eugene to guarantee entertaining shows for the next seven and a half (honest) weeks. The moment Eugene's promo video rolled last year - "I live near Gatwick, or as it should be renamed, Crawley International" I knew the show was saved.

Lisa or Aisleyne to the secret house? Who cares? If Nikki isn't going in, it's a waste of time, energy and resources. And the angle is a rehashed combination of BB5's secret bedsit and BB6's secret garden. Just keep Emma Greenwood out of there whatever you do.

2006-06-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

The house has once again been shaken up, this time by the patented arrival of the 'Golden Housemate', Suzie. She seems to be an older, brunette version of Lea, only without the thoroughly unlikeable personality. And the incident with the whisk. It amazes me how people in the house turn on others so quickly - within hours of her arrival, Lea was badmouthing her to Grace, Imogen and the rest of the insecure lot. Then Lisa spoke in that Mancunian Gravel voice about how people were "a**e-licking" the new housemate. I don't know how many times I've heard that phrase in the house, and each time it becomes more tiresome. Memo to Grace, Lisa et al - it's called being friendly. Obviously an alien concept if you're up yourself, but novel nonetheless.

The 'standing still for nine hours' episode (an unbelievably poor version of last year's Box Task) exemplified Grace's insecure and increasingly irrational behaviour. As Richard, Aisleyne, Nikki and others sat outside she moaned, "Look at them all sitting on their beanies getting along - it's hilarious". Actually (and this may come as a shock), it's called...getting along. Still, at least 50% of her sentences make sense. Then she started whining incessantly about how she needed to win to avoid nomination. Glyn, always one to take a hint, offered to quit. "No, no, no, no!" Grace pleaded/ordered, "Don't you dare!" To top it all off, after agreeing to draw straws with Lisa, and promptly losing, she ran off in tears, rejecting poor Mikey's attempts to console her and protesting, "Why are you being like this?" On that evidence, she could almost have been talking to herself.

Getting Along: Richard

And the ultimate irony is, her imminent eviction spells disaster for the show. Pete and Glyn are nice guys and entertaining characters, Nikki - well, she's an entertaining character. But that alone can't carry the remaining TEN weeks of the show (yes, there are really ten weeks to go). The show needs Nikki to stay, yet it also needs Grace. The dramatic image of the housemates standing stunned as the "Get Grace Out" chants drifted over the wall was a great moment, but it came at least two months too early. The nomination process this week has been a screwjob, as Grace would otherwise have escaped eviction due to her constant back-stabbing (the very back-stabbing she complains about) and getting each housemate on her side. She's Nasty Nick without the paper and pencils. But the most dramatic angle of BB1 ended when Batemen was bundled out the back door, sparing him the lynch mob. If voting goes as expected, Grace will be out by Friday and the only long-running angle will be gone. She may walk out before then, denying us her hilarious eviction. Pete, Glyn and Nikki have no interesting angles lined up, unless Lisa (a revolting liar, as evidence by her treatment of Sam) heads into a jealous feud with Nikki over Pete. They've run through so much in three weeks that it can surely only do downhill after Grace's inevitable downfall. There are apparently no new housemates ready to enter, so we may be stuck with Lea's tiresome moaning, Lisa's tiresome swearing and Nikki's ludicrous facade, which luckily hasn't grown tiresome. Yet. Pete and Glyn will be the only two people to save the show for the next TEN (10) weeks. It they and Nikki are edited into obscurity for boring romance storylines involving the likes of Mikey and Imogen, then the 60-minute nightly show is in trouble. And Endemol only have themselves to blame - the same people who gave us he genius of 'Deal Or No Deal' can't even see that a 13 week show will drag long before the final night.

We'll be longing for the days of Sezer. Heck, we'll be longing for Shabaz.

2006-05-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

Only two weeks in (although it feels like two months with everything that's happened) and the dynamic of the house has changed more than Geri Halliwell's dietary requirements. Shabaz walked, Dawn was ejected whilst trying to walk, Bonnie was evicted, Sam and Aisleyne entered, George walked and this Friday Sezer was evicted. In the history of Big Brother, there has probably never been a contestant with such misplaced arrogance as Sezer. There's no doubting his value to the house as a source of entertainment, but people have pointed out that the look on his face more than compensated for the 11 weeks he'll be gone. They were saying it before he even went, and true enough, his face was a picture. He genuinely believed he had no chance of going, due to a combination of factors. Namely,

(a) He spectactularly miscalculated the voting habits of the public.

(b) He publicly announced this flawed sense of security ("they'll never vote me out over a girl"), making the voters even more likely to throw it back in his face.

(c) He thought 'Team Plastics' would be preferred to their opposition of Richard, Lea, Lisa and Pete.

(d) He's up himself.

All of this resulted in the astounding 91.6% vote haul, even more astonishing when you remember it was a Triple Threat vote. The heat during his exit was comparable to that of George Galloway's eviction, which is really saying something. While his theory on the votes may have some truth (women are often voted out for little apparent reason, and the final night is usually top-heavy with men), the stupidest possible thing to do was to announce his safety to the voting public itself. Whenever anyone gets a bit shirty (see Victor, Ahmed, Saskia, Maxwell, Tim Cully et al) the public votes them out immediately. Ignoring the entertainment value of the respective housemates, they seem to vote out anyone who develops an opinion. If Sezer had lasted the 13 weeks he could have amassed a high number of votes (although it's difficult to see anyone reaching Pete's popularity, and rightly so), but I guess we'll never know.

If Pete is now backing Lea, does that make Lea a babyface? And how are the crowd going to treat her when she eventually goes?

I saw the legendary charisma machine (ahem) known as Ray Shah on BBLB, claiming that he'd won a Golden Ticket and burying Victor Ebuwa. What a moron.

The question is, what happens to the house now? People are speculating that the show will die without Sezer, but they said that when Shabaz left. Fact is, there are enough bullies (or enough of a bullying culture) to ensure that friction will continue long into the next 11 weeks. Bullying draws - a sad but true fact. Grace has clearly had the proverbial wind knocked from her sails, Aisleyne and Sam are growing unpopular with 'Team Plastic' and Imogen is looking lost post-Sezer. And Glyn is still singing. In other words, the show is safe for the time being.

Glyn:Singer

2006-05-23T15:57:00.000-07:00

Shabaz has gone. This is terrible news.

For five days (and in a way it felt like five weeks) he WAS Big Brother 7. Every scene featured him. Every argument was caused by him. Virtually every moment of entertainment had something to do with him. Yes, he would be insufferable to live in the same house as, but that's not the point. All the drama and talking points of BB7, other than the surreal Diary Room promos from Nikki and Pete's comedic actions, have involved Shabaz.

Having said that, the man was unhinged. Rumour has it he was talking of suicide in the house, so leaving was probably best for everyone. Once the group had ganged up on him a la Jodie Marsh (but with a little more explanation than last time), his time was up. In addition, his departure paves the way for real alliances to form within the house. Up until now, it's been 'Shabaz vs. the Rest of the World', with Pete flitting between both camps. Now he's gone, their united front will slip within days, and groups will form like in previous years. I predict the young chavs/clubbers to form a distinctive group, with Imogen, Sezer, Grace, George, Mikey and Nikki among them. The older housemates like Richard and Lea will all pretend they're more mature and form an 'adult' group. George and Sezer have already speculated over this possibility in the kind of late-night analysis made famous (and performed more humorously) by the likes of Victor and Jason.

Dawn has also walked, rather bizarrely. I'd like to pretend I knew why, but I was totally bemused by tonight's show. One minute she was receiving news that her sister was ill, the next she was walking around with a code on her hand and being warned by Big Brother. The whole thing went over my head unfortunately. But in any event, she's gone, apparently to make way for two ex-housemates to arrive for the next week. If Tickle, Victor or Eugene aren't among the pair, then Channel 4 are doing the British public a disservice.

But the show badly misses Shabaz. The house needs him like a hole in the head, but the show will miss him. Monday's episode was surely one of the greatest BB's in history, ending with his confiscation of the housemates' food. The final scene was TV gold as he muttered that the house would blame Big Brother for the food disappearance, then said savagely, "We'll see how long I'm sent to Coventry for now." He probably reached his peak as an entertaining character on Monday, as he just became a pain the next night. Living within 5 miles of him would be absolutely unbearable, but he was a great reality TV character. Having said that, you could class Nadia and Jade as successful BB contestants, and that's hardly a ringing endorsement.

Tip for Eviction: Bono. The U2 lead singer has been very disappointing, and has shown none of the charisma and leadership which spearheaded the Make Poverty History campaign. That voice just annoys me - I don't know if it's the Leicester accent or not, but it ain't half difficult to understand.

2006-05-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

After 9 months, a surreal Celebrity edition and an endless media circus, the suspense is finally over. It's back.

14 housemates, 13 weeks (surely a month too much) and 5 million viewers. It's become a part of the summer now. But what makes Big Brother so utterly unmissable is the varying mix of people from year to year. There's only been one Victor Ebuwa. There's only been one Jade Goody (although Chantelle seemed to be trying for a while). There's only been one Nadia. In a sense there have been two, but let's put that aside for the moment. Every year, a completely different pool of housemates is formed, and it makes for fascinating viewing. Despite the media's usual incoherent nonsense about this being the craziest year ever, I actually think they're the most sane group of housemates since Jon Tickle's one-man show of 2003, which (Tickle aside) featured all the charisma, fun and entertainment of a night with John Prescott. Only less racy. Having said that, they were nice enough people. On the other hand, BB6 last year may have been even WORSE, due to the mind-numbingly boring series of arguments about food, Makosi, food, Saskia, food, and Makosi. It was clear they were trying to create a carbon copy of BB5 by putting the biggest characters possible in the house. Instead, they gave us a bunch of twats. At least this year they've struck a balance of some sort:-

Bonnie. The annual chav representative, by the looks of things. The absolute double of Rosie Webster from Coronation Street, who is a goth, rather ironically. Can't even be bothered to pronounce words properly. When she went in I thought she pronounced her name Bono. Having Bono in the house would have been a better idea.

Bono: Housemate

Pete. I'm not sure what to say here. First off, he's clearly designed to be this year's Nadia, and that alone is unfortunate. You're either going to vote for him because of his Tourettes or vote against him because it annoys you. It's like how everyone felt good about themselves 2 years ago, saying "We're voting for Nadia in spite of her secret". No you weren't, you were voting because of her secret. No matter what he says or does, the voting is going to come down to his illness, and that's an inherently unfair fact. He does seem to be a genuinely nice guy.
Secondly, I do find him humorous, but I'm not sure I'm supposed to. Tourettes is a serious illness and in itself is not to be laughed at, obviously. But from a TV standpoint, some of his quirks can be quite funny, and some of the timings of his insults are hilarious. But am I in the wrong for laughing, or are Endemol in the wrong for knowingly placing someone with a visible illness into a freak show filled with cameras? As Marcus Bentley himself says, you decide.

George. This year's Tim Cully, but likely to be more popular. I'll just have to ignore his disgusting lust for fox hunting, a la Derek, and accept him for who he is in the house. Comprende?

Shabaz. Marco with a Glaswgian accent. I was prepared to like him until he overexaggerated his joy at each housemate's arrival, screaming, "OOOHHHHHMMMMYYYYYGGGGOOOOOODDDDDDD!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!" How many people in Big Brother have established that as their catchphrase? It's been passe since Helen Adams in 2001. Do they think people are going to congratulate them on the street and screech, "Oh My God!!!" back at them? As catchphrases go, it's hardly, "Controversial" or "Da Slick Man, Rapper/Part-time Hitman".

Mikey. Vernon Kay. Next.

Lea. Booed out of town by the crowd on Day One, rather oddly. Granted, her dimensions are fairly grotesque and her surgery makes her look 55 rather than 35, but that's no reason to boo her. Nonetheless, my tip for the first eviction. Betfair is your friend.

Imogen. Virtually the only eye candy on the entire show. Will struggle to remain popular in the eyes of the largely female audience, who seem to vote out anyone with a pair of breasts in a jealous rage. Beyond me.

Dawn. A complete and utter liar. From her entrance vignette, you'd think she was anti-social and unwilling to talk to anyone. In she strides with a smile on her face, talking to anyone and everyone in a relaxed way. She put on more of a gimmick in her audition tape than Craig did last year, and that's saying something.

Glyn. Craig Gordon, the Hearts goalkeeper. Similar to Mikey. Let's move on.

Lisa. An interesting one. Seemingly very sociable and friendly, but she let rip at Nikki for comparing her breath to an ashtray. Well you will go and smoke 30 a day, love. People in glass houses should take nicotine patches.

Sezer. Playing up to the cocky gimmick, much like Mikey and Glyn. Other than that, I've yet to establish one clear character trait in any of them. Give it time, obviously.

Nikki. Someone's idea of a joke, surely. Not her mere existence, but her selection for the show. She looks lost, and was seemingly traumatised after catching her foot on the diary room door. I've also read that her breast enlargements were paid for by the NHS, which is surely up there with all the worst Prescott/Hewitt/Clarke scandals of the last month. She'll either be out within 2 weeks or will last all the way after deciding to fade into the background. But still, beats 13 weeks of people like Saskia and Craig, doesn't it?

Grace. Not decided yet. Will probably have friction with Imogen, as is the tradition in these shows.

Richard. A vile audition video, and yet he's still not as bad as most housemates from the last couple of years. He'll probably take the Dan-type role of being the sensible gay guy, helping any short-sighted people to realise that not every gay man is like Shabaz or Marco. Destined to be in there for 13 weeks and not finish higher than 3rd. The callers on Big Brother's Big Mouth will claim he's "not confrontational enough".

And that's your lot. A couple of days in and the characters are already more established than last year's clusterfrig. Other than the bizarre decision to ditch BBLB from Channel 4 (don't you realise Dermot O'Leary is the best all-round presenter of the three), the producers seem to have done things right for once. So far. Whether Shabaz takes over and runs his own dictatorship (which is becoming increasingly likely) or Nikki decides to smile the right way up, it's going to be compelling. And much, much better than last year. I'm not sure it can get much worse.